Newcomers - Patterns and Characteristics

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Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency. It may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns: Codependents often. . .

· have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.

· minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.

· perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

· lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

· label others with their negative traits.

· think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.

· mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.

· express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.

· do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.

Low Self-esteem Patterns: Codependents often. . .

· have difficulty making decisions.

· judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.

· are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.

· value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.

· do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.

· seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.

· have difficulty admitting a mistake.

· need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.

· are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.

· perceive themselves as superior to others.

· look to others to provide their sense of safety.

· have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.

· have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

Compliance Patterns: Codependents often. . .

· are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

· compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

· put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.

· are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.

· are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

· accept sexual attention when they want love.

· make decisions without regard to the consequences.

· give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns: Codependents often. . .

· believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

· attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.

· freely offer advice and direction without being asked.

· become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.

· lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.

· use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.

· have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.

· demand that their needs be met by others.

· use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.

· use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.

· refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.

· adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.

· use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.

· pretend to agree with others to get what they want.

Avoidance Patterns: Codependents often. . .

· act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.

· judge harshly what others think, say, or do.

· avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.

· allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.

· use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.

· diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.

· suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

· pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.

· refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.

· believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.

· withhold expressions of appreciation.